By Will Carlin
Okay, I guess it is time to deal with it.
Hopefully, you won’t blame me too much for wanting to deny it for a few months. Maybe it will make you feel better to know that I was denying it to myself as much as I was to you. Sometimes, when things are directly challenging to the ego, you just don’t want to think about it too much.
Which reminds me of a time… what’s that? You sense I might be stalling? Alright, alright. Let me just take a deep breath. Okay, here it is:
Yes, that was me you saw in the May issue of Squash Mag.
Whew. You were right. It does feel so much better now that I said it. Now that I got it out on the table. It is like a giant weight was lifted… Excuse me? What do you mean “not enough detail?” Are you really going to make me relive the whole thing? Fine. I will be specific.
That was me you read about both in the article about the skill level championships and in the caption of the article accompanying the article. How’s that? Oh c’mon, do you really need to hear it all?
Okay, I CHOKED! There! Good enough for you? Yes, that was me who lost to Vijay Chitnis after winning the first two games 1 and 1. And, yes, I really was up 8-1 in the third game. Satisfied? Yeah, I bet you are.
You know, there was a time when I was known for my mental toughness. I was even known as a great front-runner; if I got ahead of you, watch out, because I rarely blew a lead. For the couple of years I was No. 1, I got called La Machine a few times in print. Some might have been insulted, but I was actually flattered; made me seem like a total force.
But here is a secret that I loathe to let out. I was scared as often as I felt confident. I frequently felt like I was a moment or two away from choking away my matches. The way I compensated for it was through conditioning. By becoming ultra-fit, I was able to convince myself that no mistake was too big a deal; I would be okay in the end.
I was struck by a recent interview that I read with Rod Laver, the only two-time winner of tennis’ Grand Slam. He said that although he was known for playing his best tennis in high-pressure situations, he said that he felt that he got at least as nervous, and maybe more so, than most of his top competitors. The thing he was thankful for, he continued, was that one of his early coaches told him that when he was nervous, to swing out and swing harder.
When most people get nervous, they become careful with their stroke execution and try to control their swings and that, of course, is when errors creep in. What Laver’s coach realized was that by swinging out, players can make their nerves work for them. In the interview, Laver said that his feeling was simple: If he swung hard, the nerves might work to his advantage, and if he made errors, at least he would go out going for it, but that he might just make his nervousness work for him. I guess his record speaks for itself.
So, what happened to me? Well, a number of things, to be honest. First, I should give full credit to Vijay. Chokes happen only when one person is fearful of the other, and Vijay gives you a lot to be scared of. Second, I wasn’t fit, so when I started to get into trouble, the normal confidence that I had that everything would work out in the end was not there. Third, I had just come back in my previous match from the precipice, so that was in my mind, and I remember thinking, “Well, at least I won’t do that.” So, it got in my head.
No excuses. I told you already that I choked. But I am more interested in the why than the what. I do remember trying to play carefully so as not to “blow it.” That, as you may have gathered, didn’t work out so well.
So, next time, I will be fit. Next time, I will try to hit out when the pressure is on. Next time, I will try to close out my big leads. And next time, I still might lose; I might even choke. And, I might, for a time, deny it.
But I will come around, and if all is right with my frame of mind, I will try to learn from it. After all these years, it is the fact that I still can learn that keeps me coming back.
